The wind was a little wild this morning, and the clouds hung low. I peeked out from under my covers and saw a sliver of silver-gray daylight and the cedars dancing through the storm.
Today was the day God was going to show up.
We have been wandering up and down and all through this wilderness, going where we believe God has asked us to go, but the strain of it has nearly wasted me. The hills are steep and roll on one after another like waves so we can barely catch our breath on the way down before losing it again on the way back up.
Then, at what we hoped was the very end of the journey, we came to a river. We did not know there were going to be any rivers.
It was too wide to swim.
It was too deep to cross.
And we didn’t have a boat.
I stood on the shores of this great big river and I wanted to shout up to the heavens. “Why did you lead us here? We cannot cross here!”
Because it seemed a little personal, right then, when I had prickers in my socks and blisters on my toes. No one had said anything about rivers.
A few other people joined us on the shore and contemplated the water with us. “There might be a way to cross,” someone said.
My heart skipped over that little bit of hope.
“I think someone upstream has a boat.”
A little whisper came into my mind, “Have faith. God will show up.”
So we set up camp and we waited. We waited through one day, and another. It was dark in the night and it was dark in the day. I fought against the impossibility of crossing that little slip of water. Fat, salty tears dropped into the waves, and I ate too many of the frozen cream puffs someone sent over for consolation.
Surely there had to be a way! When was there not a way? For heaven’s sake, I could see the other side!
But there was no way the first day, and there was no way the second day.
This is a test of faith, I reasoned. Other people said it too, and we all nodded wisely and said faithful things and I stoked up my belief because this was going to work, this faith thing.
That is how we came to the third day. This day.
And God showed up.
But God said no.
Maybe it was a “not yet”–it’s hard to tell with God– but it wasn’t a “yes” and it certainly wasn’t a bridge or a boat or even a life vest. It wasn’t anything my faith could conjure up.
The river remained, wide and lapping at the shores. And we remained stranded with the great big wilderness behind us and the impervious waters before us and a God who said “no” and not much else.
But at least we were there with God.
And I thought to myself, on a grey day when the wind was wild and the cedars danced, that if all I have in this life is a great big wilderness and a river I can’t cross, it is enough if God is in the midst of it.
*This past week, my husband completed the long and arduous process of applying for Active Duty as an Army chaplain. His paperwork (which was lost once) was resubmitted on time. But due to a random computer error, his recruiter team was unable to submit his packet by the deadline. All attempts to fix the problem failed, even though they stayed up until 3 am working on it.
There was no boat.
But we are here at the shores of a great big river with a mighty God, and that is enough.
Perhaps he could be a recruiter for military whereas he could work close to home etc…and be more active in your home church, just a thought – something a friend’s husband did.
Yes, we have a neighbor who is a recruiter and he loves it! He has to be an active duty chaplain in order to be a recruiter (only chaplains can become chaplain recruiters) but it is something he might get to do in the future and it would be GREAT to have him so close to home!
Ohhhhh, myyyy..heavy sigh from Stanwood…
Thank you, Kathy.
God has plans for him. It just may be that he’s supposed to fish from the shore instead of sailing out to sea.
That is a very neat thought!
Never commented before but started reading recently. Sorry to hear this – praying for you today. God is good, all the time.
Thank you, Elizabeth. I appreciate all those prayers. And welcome!
“But at least we were there with God.” I am so disappointed with you, but like you, I know God has a plan — not just any plan, but a better plan. I don’t believe He would close this door without opening a new door. I don’t mean to sound trite because I know you are disappointed and hurting and I am saying nothing you don’t already know and could say much better. I have learned I don’t have to understand God (if I could, He would no longer be God), but I know I can trust Him. And I know that is oft times easier said than done. But the fact that the paperwork could not be (through no fault of your own) submitted in time did NOT catch God by surprise. I don’t have the answer but I know He does. I am going to try and be faithful to remember you all in my prayers. And if I had any creme puffs, I would send them to you.
No! Don’t send the cream puffs!
But I do appreciate your prayers, and those words are not at all trite. They are what I’m holding on to right now.
Well THAT was the wrong song and I don’t know how to delete comments so I will try again. http://youtu.be/i6X71sXagUY
Haha! I can delete it for you! Thank you for this, Symanntha.
Thanks! and You’re welcome!! My lesson I have been learning as a SAHM is to ‘grow where you’re planted.’
Beautifully written, Kristen. I am praying for you, and can’t wait to see how God works.
Thank you, Beth! Me too!
I’d also like to share a song with you that has been a blessing to me IF I can figure out how. [youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2Y5knH45QJk&w=420&h=315
That is “supposed” to embed it, but if not, here is the web address. Sorry…http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2Y5knH45QJk
These days of anticipation as you wait for God to reveal his plan are so hard; we are in a season of waiting on God as well. Patience, trust, gratitude–all things God calls us to, and we all are getting an opportunity to exercise them daily. We are praying for you and Jeff; God IS going to use your family in a mighty way. Waiting with you for our faithful God to show us the next step in this journey.
Joy Wade
praying for you,it wasnt the right time,or more importantly,it was definitely the wrong time,i have seen lives saved by God preventing a departure,missed planes,late to get on the road,He is taking care of you!
Thank you! It definitely wasn’t the right time, and now we’re just praying that we’re not in the wrong place!
We walked a somewhat similar journey a couple of years ago. I will be praying for you.
Thank you so much!
It is comforting to me and hopefully to you that God ALWAYS does what’s best for us. He never sends us on a journey that he hasn’t paved the way. So find peace by the river until God directs your path again!
Isn’t that good to know? I was thinking the same thing. This was definitely an act of God, not human error. And if it’s an act of God, I can rest assured that it is for our best!
I have that phrase of the song “Our God is an awesome God, He reigns from Heaven above, With wisdom, power and love, Our God is an AWESOME God.” At times like this it seems like it’s the only thing to hang on to.
And we know that there’s nothing wrong in knocking on doors and trying to open windows to see if maybe this is the path that God wants us to take, The only time it’s a problem is when we don’t like or are angry because God doesn’t open the door or window for us because He has something better in mind. And truly – would we really want to be where He doesn’t want us?
Thanks for sharing. Just said a prayer. Your words can relate to so many people and various circumstance.
What beautiful thoughts from everyone. I love how everyone is so encouraging to you, dear one. We have many “sister’s” out there, don’t we. You have expressed yourself so richly again. What a gift you have been given.
We are in a similar situation. My husband is Army Reserve and retiring soon. He has been employed by a defense contractor. The contract has switched between companies and gradually reduced his salary by 1/3. They are switching the jobs over to government positions. He is in the process of applying. He could either lose his job or have a good job. I have always stayed home with our kids and am homescooling but have needed to find part time work and continue to keep up with family, home and school. I am in the process of looking for more hours with a third company. I just don’t know how much more I can do and don’t know what to do to change the situation. We are praying for God’s will. So I understand your situation and your faith is encouraging.
Praying for you all. Can’t wait to see how God shows up. I love your writing. Thanks for sharing.
Such a beautiful piece in such a troubling time. I seldom have heard such words expressed when there is so much disappointment. Maybe not on your parts, but surely on ours from knowing we know better than God what is best for Jeff and you. To trust God during these times takes so much faith and I am not sure who could have put it in writing any better. We will be praying for His comfort for all of you
This whole blog thing is a bit strange. I don’t really know you, but I do know what you share here. I am praying for your family now. I love that God is using your blog to round up prayer warriors from all over.
I love the beautiful and eloquent way you have captured one of the hardest things of all – the moments where God is present, but says “No” or “Wait” or “Rest”.
So sorry Kristen! I will be praying for u and your family, God most have had better plans for u and your family just hang on tight and he will deliver. God bless u and your family!!
What a rollercoaster. Prayers for you, and you are right, it is enough, even when it seems like this God is switching plans on you for no reason.
One more thought- I appreciated the honesty with which you write. The honesty, and the reality of our lives of faith. Because this Christian life is not all about our answered prayers or our paths being made smooth. Often it is about suffering and waiting and not understanding.
Much like the way of the cross.
That sure looks like a definite answer. However, if it is God’s timing, a way will be found. Praying.
Such an encouraging post. I have been there many times, and am there now. Bills behind and come to find out that I need to have surgery. More bills, more time my husband will need to take off to are for me and the children instead of making money. But God is in control!
“to care for me and the children”
I “liked” this because I like the way you write, Kristen.
I will be praying for God to clearly show your family the correct path to go down regarding your husband’s career. Thank him for his service to God and country for me, okay? Bless you all!! So glad we connected. – Heather
Joshua 3…God is bringing us 12 men who will lead the people.